I’m sitting here. On the steps by the front door, willing myself to move. Today I just want to stay in bed and knit. I want to study Spanish and drink coffee while watching some Dust.
I don’t want to do anything because everything is more of the same at this point. Mood: existential crisis?! I don’t know, maybe. I’ve wondered and pondered so much around me all my life and at this point I’m struggling to give a fuck.
To be fair, I haven’t given many fucks in a while, at least not the kind and amount that are my normal. I miss having passion for things, I miss having energy, I miss, Jesus man, I don’t even know. Something I’ve never quite been able to put my finger on.
My whole life there’s been this gnawing and nothing seems to fill it. When the obsessions come and I pour myself into them, that helps. Sewing, Tarot, knitting, making beer, learning Spanish, whatever, I flood my senses with the activity and I get this energy that keeps me up all night so that I can do more of that thing. Color comes back to everything and I feel more alive.
Inevitably the cycle moves on to the next phase and the apathy sets in again. I’ve always lived in my head and have never known another way to be; hell, I don’t want to be another way. I just want to see the reason for things, the point. It’s as simple as that but not really.
Life only has the meaning that you give it. That’s why we need to constantly be aware of who we are, what we want, where we want to go, and how we’re going to get there. “Know thyself ” are some of the most important words I’ve ever come across. Knowing who I am and what I’m about is exactly how I know that without a sense of constantly moving forward, without ever seeing results that matter, nothing means anything to me.
So what’s my motivation right now? What do I need and how can I get it? How can I move past this feeling of being stuck in neutral? I don’t know the answers today but as the solutions inevitably reveal themselves to me, I know this gestation period will begin to make sense. Thinking is my default and it’s a beautiful day to do more of it…