How interesting it is to unravel the complexities of what we are living in this human experience. I find it fascinating to break down why people do what we do, to really dig into where our feelings stem from and try to make some sort of cohesive sense out of them.
It’s been another long day here and after the hubs came home I went to the grocery store to get a few things that I need over the next couple of days while he’s out working. As I was walking through the store grabbing the things I need I was certainly in my own little world, as I often am, that’s just my nature you know. My evening card for the day was the Seven of Cups rx which absolutely showed me crashing back to reality this evening.
So I’m getting all this stuff out of my cart and onto the conveyor belt right. I didn’t notice that I was in a 15 items or less line; I thought I’d bypassed all of those! Well, I’m doing my thing and start to hear the laughter of the cashier and the women behind me. I feel it and absentmindedly wonder if it’s about me, heh. Eventually as I’m checking out and the women move to another line, the cashier lets me know that I’ve got more than 15 items for her. I look up and see this is true, apologized profusely, and felt the hot shame, the utter embarrassment flood me.
But here’s the thing, why did I feel such embarrassment at an honest mistake? And I started to dissect what I was feeling. I also wondered, why hadn’t any of the women simply pointed out to me my mistake? And why had they felt the need to laugh about it? Was it to feel superior? Was it to off-set their own insecurities? And why was I allowing it to get to me?
I think that in this world we get the idea in our heads, from family, friends, society as a whole, that we aren’t really allowed to make mistakes, we should have known better. We’re supposed to be on at all times and never slip, the face must always be up and ready to go. What is this and where did it come from? What I had to do was recognize what was happening, figure out what I was feeling, and release my need to not fuck up, to be vulnerable and open to not getting it right every time.
Going through this life I’ve continuously had to temper my perfectionism aka fear. I screw up, and that’s ok. Perfectionism in play or not, any of us could benefit from not holding ourselves to these extra high standards, especially mothers. What are we trying to prove? Who are we trying to outdo? The more I continued to dig, the more I realized that so much of this is an attempt to deny the fact that we’re flawed; and no one wants to acknowledge that this is so, even if we think we acknowledge that this is so!
I think that much of the remedy here is to embrace our mistakes, enjoy our flaws. Pull them apart and accept them as just as much of who we are as anything we’re happy to show off. These imperfections are very much a crucial part of our experience this lifetime as well. So since we decided to take this ride called life, let’s go crazy and be really real with ourselves, always.