What Do You Want?

Male Warrior from LXXXI The Magician's Deck

So I was checking my Instagram one day, maybe last week? Quite often my days blur into each other so it becomes difficult for me to differentiate whether I’m coming or going into or out of my mind. I guess that’s the same thing ultimately, heh.

Anyway, I ran across a post and found my blood started to absolutely boil, just hot like fire. I got super defensive and extremely restless and I split myself in two. I said to myself “Woah, slow down chick, WTF is going on here, why are you so pissed right now?! Nothing has occurred and no one has done anything to you. Breathe man, what’s the problem?”

“The problem? The PROBLEM?! I’ll tell you what the problem is. I’m sick of every time I see a mother who is overwhelmed, overworked, and close to a breakdown (or perhaps she’s already had one, possibly several, but she has to pretend that everything is aces and sunshine) ask for advice on how to fit it all in from people that seem to have gotten it down, the kind of response I see every.single.time is “I dunno, I’m just doing it,”or “I find the time to fit it in,” or “I work at this constantly and don’t let anything stop me; I’m committed to this.”

Omfg, this was bringing me to the teeth-gnashing, hair-pulling, run screaming from the room brink every time I saw some variation of this response. “So, what, you’re (who this “you’re” was, I have no idea lol; just a general direction in which to focus my anger) telling me is that those of us that haven’t been able to pull this off have no drive?! We have no will and don’t work hard?!? Well you can take that and shove it up your ass! Who the hell do you think you are?! And lemme tell you another thing…”

Now, I’m an extremely private person so this was all an internal dialogue going on with me. I realized I wasn’t angry at anyone outside of myself (what I’ve found is that when we’re angry it tends to be about something we’re dealing with but not facing), wasn’t yelling or screaming or cussing anyone out; I was pissed at me. This was all about me and my frustration at not moving my life in the direction that I want it to go; feeling chained down and unable to do what I wanted to do.

But then I got it, it started to dawn on  me (son-of-a…): I don’t know what I want to do, that’s what the whole friggin’ issue was. I don’t know what drives me now, what my passions truly are. When you’re passionate about something, you work at it way into the wee hours and you’re de-freaking-lighted to get up extra early to get back to it. You go hard at whatever you’re wrapped up in and come hell or high water, you’re getting it in one way or another.

And it’s not just my passions, because I’m passionate about, say, Tarot. I love the insight I’m able to get from my cards and practicing the art of divination has helped me unlock all kinds of inner doors. But my goals for Tarot aren’t in the same lane as my financial and self-sufficiency goals, which are a priority for me right now.

I’ve found myself so jealous over the years of Moms I’ve seen as being successful at balancing the megaton of work and responsibilities that is motherhood while still having time for themselves to pursue their goals; something I’ve felt I failed at. I wondered so many days and nights, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I figure this out? What am I doing wrong??”

When my babies were little, making sure that they were loved, safe, and happy is what drove me. But as The White Witch brings it across oh so gorgeously, children get older; they just don’t need you in the same way. And besides, you start being able to do a lot of this parenting gig with one eye open from two rooms away.

When my husband and I figured out our oldest son had severe food allergies (we had no idea at the time that this was a thing; I mean, who’s allergic to FOOD ffs?), what drove me was figuring out how to make foods that he could eat and enjoy that other kids took for granted.

When I was going to school to ultimately become a midwife, that’s what drove me. But after so many twists and turns in my life, including having somewhere around five miscarriages while trying to conceive a third child, my heart wasn’t really in it anymore, to say the least.

So now I’m at a crossroads, one that I’ve never quite explored or let myself open to. My entire life, I’ve been needing to pay attention to me: what I want, what I need, who I am, what I desire, what really makes me tick, why I’m here. Instead, I ran from fears I couldn’t identify. I was looking everywhere trying to fill a place inside of myself that could only be satisfied from within. I didn’t know what I needed when it’s just me, alone. But that’s all part of my alchemy, so very good then.

I’m figuring it out. My struggles are for my growth and it’s incredible stuff. That’s why I used these six questions as a jumping off point to help me go deeper with rediscovering what my passions are so I can start mapping some things into existence. In a different post I’ll share the spread I came up with and how I felt it worked for me. In addition, I’ve also found my birth chart to be extremely helpful in my fleshing this all out.

So dear readers, tell me, what do you want? I think that truly digging in and figuring out what you’re passionate about is the answer to the inertia and apathy many of us feel in our lives. It’s not that we’re too busy or too tired, it’s that we don’t know what we want. What do you love? Not what you think you should love or should be doing, not what someone else has told you to enjoy, but what do you really love? Happy hunting as you continue to probe the landscape of your own mind! If you’re comfortable, share your thoughts in the comments.

*Featured image: Male Warrior from LXXXI Quareia The Magician’s Deck Copyright 2014 Cassandra Beanland, Stuart Littlejohn, Josephine McCarthy www.quareia.com*