Where am I going?

And how am I going to get there? I’ve been asking myself these questions with maniacal urgency the last few years and still the answer has always been painfully and frustratingly elusive.

I want to do so many things and I become immobilized by the thought that I’ll never be able to do them all. All the things I want to learn and do have immense value to me and if I had my way I would spend my days pursuing every single rabbit hole that I’m even slightly interested in.

But that’s not exactly the way life works is it? At least not completely, not for everyone. We all have our responsibilities and the things and people we sacrifice that other side of green grass for. But how did we come to these conclusions? When did we decide to trap ourselves into thinking that to achieve our desires there’s a particular path we have to follow? Or worse yet, that our desires don’t matter?

I think a lot of this has to do with how large our worldview is. If you don’t know what you don’t know, how can you truly choose what’s the best path for you? Sometimes people have multiple shitty choices and get locked into thinking that’s all there is.

But we’re not alive just to pay rent and mortgages and have 70-80 hour workweeks in order to pay bills. We’re not alive to constantly experience just one kind of reality, smiling at people while you pretend you don’t feel as if all of the life has been drained out of you and nothing you do really matters. And we look into the eyes of these people around us, these people that we exchange pleasantries with every day and wonder if they feel the same crushing emptiness.

So I think I’ve finally got a direction for this blog. I’m going to talk about doing what I want to do, the steps I’m taking to get there, and everything in between. I need to be able to look back at my life and know that I didn’t let fear and stagnation stop me.

I have to live my life because I don’t want to look back with a thousand regrets. It’s taken me a long time to figure out what I want and how I want to make that happen but late is always better than never with these kinds of things, yes?